Table from Hell

I just got off my second double shift in a row, which means 24 hours of work in two days. Thank god I have tomorrow off.

My feet hurt like hell, I'm fatigued, and my mind feels like a zombie. And on top of all that, my last table was one of those that you would gladly hand the tip right back to - and then some - just to go back in time and never serve them.

As soon as I walked up to the table I knew they were going to be annoying. They were three middle-aged men, all in suits, and out to have a good time. And not in the fun way, but in the obnoxious way. First they ordered cocktails, and when asked what kind of vodka they would prefer stated unequivocally that "Ketel One is the only vodka in America!" Uh, okay.

Then, while my other tables waited patiently for me to take care of them, I told these guys the specials. We have many specials at the Med, and they are detailed. They proceeded to interrupt every single one with either a question or a comment. I finally got through them all and then they asked 18 more questions about them. Then they asked for recommendations for appetizers. I told them what they should get, and, here it comes, the best comment of the night, "I hope they're going to be good, your whole tip depends on it!"

They still wouldn't let me leave. One of them was "really a sauce guy" and wanted to know all about each of our pasta sauces and which would be best to substitute for the one that comes with the special of the day. At that point I was fighting all my urges (and I'm normally an incredibly patient person when it comes to my tables) to tell them they are idiots and they should go to the Olive Garden.

Finally I tell them I need to go take care of my other tables, and surprisingly they let me (but not without some stupid attempts at humor with comments about how 'my other tables don't really want me to take care of them').

The rest of their meal experience is a combination of more ridiculous comments and entirely too many personal questions about where I'm from and why I'm here. And instead of just ordering extra shots of limoncello (after the first complimentary round), they tried their hardest to talk me into sneaking them some free ones. Uh, are you kidding me? I told them, "As much as risking my job sounds like fun, I'm going to go ahead and ask my boss if you can have them".

Yeah, then they stayed until the entire restaurant was empty and the only people left were me, the two bussers, the bartender, and the manager. All hanging out at the bar waiting for them to leave. They were totally oblivious. They paid their tab, and then sat and talked. And sat. And talked. Finally my manager let me go. Who knows, maybe they're still there.

And here I am, venting to you. My computer screen. I have to admit, I feel a little better now.

May this be a lesson to you all: Don't make jokes about your server's tip, it's never funny and they are inwardly cursing you. Don't ask your server to repeat the specials four times, it's not cool and they are inwardly cursing you. Don't ask several personal questions about your server's background, you don't need to know all that and they are inwardly cursing you. Don't beg your server for free drinks, they will give them to you if they can and want to, and they are inwardly cursing you. And don't stay in a restaurant long after the rest of the guests have left and the entire place is clean, at this point the entire staff is cursing you.