Yesterday I had a dreadful conversation with a good friend. He had all these pent-up feelings that came flying out at me in a passionate and lengthy outburst.
Apparently every time we eat together I discuss the nutritional contents of the food, and make cracks about how fattening his food is. This whole time I thought I was making interesting conversation, or 'busting his chops' like I do about most things. I thought I was being funny. But it turns out he was secretly grinding his teeth each time, and not saying a word about how I was making him feel. Until yesterday.
After eight months of friendship and hanging out, he has come to the conclusion that I have this inner judgment and prejudice against people who are overweight. That when I look at someone I instantly see them as either fat or skinny, and if they're fat then I have to find other reasons to like them or something. Which is so weird for me, because (and I know Danny will attest to this) I always feel like I play the 'advocate' in most conversations, blasting my conversation partners for making offensive comments, like referring to someone as "the big girl" or something.
He called me "High and Mighty", and said I "make people feel like second-class citizens".
Ouch.
Obviously my comments and jokes came across in a completely different way than I intended. On the one hand I want to take this as constructive criticism and maybe change the way I talk to people at times. And on the other hand I'm pissed off that a good friend would say things like that to me and call me names and cause me to be paranoid about the effect I have on people and their perceptions of me.
Scolding me is just about the worst thing someone can do to me. In recent months I've realized that it serves only to make me feel offended, angry, and then to withdraw. Ask my brother and Logan.
It's still too soon for me to decide if I'm going to view this as a wake-up call about him or about myself. Maybe both.
If anyone reading this has honest, constructive thoughts for me, I wouldn't mind hearing them at all. I'm pretty sure only my close friends have access to this blog, so feel free to vent.
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2 comments:
Clearly this is miscommunication. You were being yourself. He took it the wrong way. What he should have done long ago was said something to you about how it bothered him and then you could have stopped. Instead, he kept his mouth shut and let it continue. And in doing so, he drew conclusions from false interpretations. You are not high and mighty. You do not make people feel like second class citizens. And I am terribly sorry that he just came out and attacked you with his conclusions. It was not constructive criticism he intended to give you. He is probably hurt by his own false conclusions about you and then wanted you to feel bad about yourself. But he is wrong Dev. You are humble and generous. And if he took all your jokes the wrong way, then that is his problem. He should have given you the chance to explain and apologize.
Thanks Trinh, I'm glad you think so. I've been fluctuating between feeling paranoid about the way I come across to people and feeling exactly the way you said.
I think that at times I have a tendency to come across as 'nagging' (for lack of a better word), but I never mean it to be that way and I usually realize it right away.
I will try and use this situation as a constructive one (we can all use some conscious improvement now and then right?), but I will also not get bogged down with self-deprecation.
Honestly, most of me disagrees with him completely, I'm just making a conscious effort not to let this pass by without trying to learn something from it I guess.
Thanks Trinh :)
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