Love, for me

I love that poem. I love it and I hate it. I recognize and appreciate that love is such a powerful thing that it can steer your life and lift you to the sky and tear you down till you bleed and everything in between. I suppose due to the theory of relativity it couldn't ever be so good if it wasn't also at times equally bad. How do we balance it all? How do we yield to the greatness without living in fear of the pain? How do we truly love someone the way Khalil Gibran would have us love someone, and still be an adult in 2008 and work towards having a career and a family and security and retirement and all of those other worldly things that we are not supposed to covet?

Suffice it to say that I have all the answers and none of them at once. Here are my latest objectives - find peace in my center and be more loving in all aspects of my life. Pursue joy all the time and not become complacent. Wake up happy and embrace the day, everyday.

Love

Love, by Khalil Gibran

When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Spiritual Lesson - One of Many

"Worry pretends to be necessary, but doesn't really serve any useful purpose." Eckhart Tolle

This is something I have always understood on some level, but have forgotten at times. I remember even as a young person trying to tell people that worrying doesn't do any good for them, that they need to let go of the attachment and deal with whatever is going to happen when it happens.

I have found that as I have gotten older I have experienced many of the things which create worry in us and seem to extinguish that happy-go-lucky vibe that is present in abundance as a child, and make us feel and appear much older than we are. Those experiences have caused me to lose that wonderful part of myself, at least to some extent.

However, in this recognition, I am finding and appreciating that part of myself and am in constant practice of it now. It feels good.

Signs of Spring

Sunday afternoon beach walk.
Gray sand and sky. Not cold but not warm. A light wind.
Crunchy shells underfoot.
Seagulls searching for food, floating in the water, sleeping on the sand.
The perfect-sized rock to throw just close enough to make them fly.
Peanuts the horseshoe crab, alive for another day.
Lost in thought, lost in conversation, lost in laughter.
For one moment, we owned the whole beach.
Spring is here.

Exciting Nervousness

I'm nervous, but I'm excited about it. I'm excited that I have a reason to be nervous. I have an interview tomorrow morning, the first one in several weeks. Months even. I've practically forgotten how to do them!

Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that thinks of the perfect response about seven hours after a conversation, so interviews are not exactly my forte. On the other hand, every now and then there are moments where I can think on my feet pretty well. Let's hope tomorrow morning around 9am I have one of those moments.

I don't even know yet what I'm wearing tomorrow. What am I doing here?? Bye!!

Wish me luck!

Deep Thought

"What you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists." ~Eckhart Tolle

Can I Get a Wut-Wut

Can I just please say how awesome the weather has been??? This past weekend was so nice we played basketball both days, and had a really fun outdoor egghunt on Tuesday. I really thought that was the best it would be for awhile, until... today I didn't wear my coat all day long!! The first day since last fall. It was so exciting and I'm so excited to be excited about exciting things like sun.

Dear Universe

Today I am feeling a little lost.

I have two houses, but I have no home. I have a job, but I have no career. I have friends, but no one to spend time with. There are a lot of great things in my life, and yet not very much.

I long for security and definition. Health insurance. A busy schedule. A family. Reasons. Demands. Coffee talks. Great coworkers. Direction. Drive. Ownership. Responsibility. Consistency. Production. Satisfaction.

Universe, if you're listening, I'm ready.

I Am Heaven

Jim Carrey was hilarious in an interview today, as usual. But one thing he said was actually serious, and it was really nice. The interviewer asked him if he has any mottoes or credos that he lives by, and he responded, "Yes: I am heaven." At first it seemed like another joke, but then he explained it. He said when he feels disappointed or angry or frustrated or any of the other things we all feel at times, he reminds himself that he is heaven. And what he meant by that is that we have so much to be grateful for and to enjoy in life, that we don't have to wait until we die to experience that kind of contentment and happiness, we can experience it right now.

Isn't that awesome? I love saying "I am heaven."

My Vote

I really want Obama to win! The more I watch the speeches and the events and issues and primaries, the more I want Obama to win. It would be awesome to have our first female president, but we can't vote for someone just because of that. Obama's got it. He's cool, he's real, he's honest, and he'll be a good president. I know it. The clincher for me came the other night when I saw Michelle Obama on Larry King. She's at least as cool as he is, if not more. She's eloquent, sophisticated, beautiful, and classy. I'd be proud to have her as our first lady.

So there's my vote. It's officially official. I can't wait till March 4th.

For Bubsy

kisses are a better fate
than wisdom.
~e.e. cummings


My dear Valentine
I'm so glad you're mine
I must have terrific Karma
To get to melt into your hugs
If I tried to list all the things I love about you
I would fill up at least two rolls of toilet paper!

Happy Valentine's Day Bubsy :)

Pilates

I finally went to my first pilates class today. I was expecting it to be harder than it was. I have taken yoga classes before that were so much harder. Maybe she took it easy on us because most of the people there were beginners, but I would have preferred a harder workout. If I'm not sore at all tomorrow then I'm not going to be happy. Oh well, at least the class was free!

Snow Globe

Fat, slow snowflakes all day long. Deep powder everywhere. What an awesome day.

Okay, so maybe it made it so difficult to board that wimpy me only lasted for two and a half hours before quitting for the day. But those two and a half hours were great!

I really need to strengthen my legs so that boarding doesn't work me so hard. It hurts!
But when I find that perfect part of the run that is wide open and smooth it makes it all worth it. And when the whole world looks like the inside of a snow globe it's even better.

I have now boarded on three mountains in New England, and so far I think Cranmore is my favorite. It has a variety of runs, plenty of blues, and as long as the snow is in good condition the runs are nice and smooth and fun.

And having J there with me makes the whole thing even more fun. He's a great friend :)

Clarification

So, I received a bit of... resentment over a previous post about wanting to have more activity in my life. I unintentionally made it seem as though J and I never do anything active, but that's not exactly the case. It's only the middle of January and we have already been on two ski trips! Not only did we have a great time, but we certainly got some exercise - our stiff bodies are the evidence. So I retract the statement that J is not interested in being active with me.

I will say though, that I think that we would also have a good time together doing other fun, active things maybe on the weekends or something. And I will also say that even if he is not interested in doing those things with me, I will not hold it against him and I will do my best to figure out how to do it on my own!

Chick Lit Dilemma

I found a book club. They meet every two months to talk about whatever book they have read. I know it's nerdy, but I think that sounds like so much fun, not to mention a good way to meet people. But here's the catch: this month's book is called "Lipstick and Thongs in the Looney Bin". And it's one of those pink-and-purple covers that would make a man steer clear for miles. I shouldn't let that hold me back though, I shouldn't judge a book by its cover. Oh but it's so hard! At least it's written by a local author who will actually be at the meeting.

The meeting is in March, and I have to read Shakespeare's "Richard III" before I can read that book. I think I can do it. I'm determined. And not having any papers to write or textbooks to read sure helps!

Goals

I'm chubby. I don't think I want to weigh myself right now, but I know that I've put on those holiday pounds. But it's the new year, and I've been better already about my food choices.

I actually used to take photos in bikinis. On purpose. Last week I put on a bikini to get in the hot tub at the cabin, and when I looked in the mirror I was shocked! Everyday I wear clothes that cover every inch of my skin, and before last week it had been months since I actually looked at my body in a full-length mirror. The weight was exactly where I would predict it; all around the middle. At least that's hide-able with clothes...

Anyway, I guess it's good to see that, so I can remember to lay off the brownies for awhile. J, don't make any brownies!

I did some very practical grocery shopping yesterday. Mostly produce and a few other lean products. There is no way I can give up starch though, so I'm just going to have to lose weight without that. Pasta, rice, bread, etc, yum. The best I can do is switch to wheat pasta and brown rice, and that'll just have to do. But I am eating less meat and way less sugar. That's good enough right? And I might even engage in some activity now and then.

I sure wish J was more interested in sports activities. I think it sounds so fun to go to the Y and play racquetball, or swim laps, or basketball, or something else fun like that. But that stuff just isn't fun by yourself, and I can't think of anyone else to ask.

Maybe I'll find a soccer or volleyball team to join. That would be fun right? And while we're wishing, let's go ahead and add a real job to the list too...