I stole this from my friend Jackie's blog. It is so funny I couldn't tear my eyes away from it, so I decided to copy it here and answer the questions myself....
In Chuck Klosterman's genius, Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs he lists 23 hilarious questions, he asks, "...everybody I meet in order to decide if I can really love them."
In Chuck Klosterman's genius, Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs he lists 23 hilarious questions, he asks, "...everybody I meet in order to decide if I can really love them."
Klosterman does not provide an answer key, however. But you have to see this.
23 Questions I Ask Everybody I Meet... By Chuck Klosterman
1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence. Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?
1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence. Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?
my answer: yes, for a brief moment, because he is present. until you realize that he can't learn anymore tricks and his skill probably doesn't change the scientific world the way Einstein did.
2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that for some reason every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots. Would you attempt to do this?
2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that for some reason every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots. Would you attempt to do this?
my answer: I couldn't.
3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical. Which option do you select?
3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical. Which option do you select?
my answer: Definitely the skull. I could use the money, plus it would make a great conversation piece, albeit an ugly one.
4. Genetic engineers at John Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so called "super gorilla." Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an IQ of almost 85, and -most notably- a vague sense of self awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays.) Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent. You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?
4. Genetic engineers at John Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so called "super gorilla." Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an IQ of almost 85, and -most notably- a vague sense of self awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays.) Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent. You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?
my answer: No. I'm pretty sure the members of the opposing team would not appreciate being tackled by a 700 lb gorilla.
5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear--for the rest of your life--sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like the deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you.) Would you swallow the pill?
my answer: This question is hilarious. I would take the pill of course.
6. At long last, someone invents 'the dream VCR.' This machine allows you to tape an entire evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device if you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR. Would you still do this?
6. At long last, someone invents 'the dream VCR.' This machine allows you to tape an entire evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device if you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR. Would you still do this?
my answer: Yeah I would, sure. I don't subscribe to the theory that dreams have deep, psychological, or future-predicting meanings, I think they are just random machinations of our quirky minds. So why not?
7. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week. You are the front-page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?
7. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week. You are the front-page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?
my answer: I would combine the Sasquatch and the Loch Ness monster into one story, and think of some really creative title for it. Then the president will be on page 2.
8. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: They are obsessed with The Dark Crystal. You'd have to watch the DVD with him/her once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's 'deeper philosophy.' Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?
8. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: They are obsessed with The Dark Crystal. You'd have to watch the DVD with him/her once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's 'deeper philosophy.' Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?
my answer: No. I have no idea what the Dark Crystal is, but from Jac's answer I suspect it's some sort of sci-fi film. It might be annoying, but his good characteristics would outweigh his bad ones, hands down!
9. A novel entitled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However, a curios social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man). Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likelihood of you reading this book?
9. A novel entitled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However, a curios social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man). Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likelihood of you reading this book?
my answer: It would increase it, for sure.
10. This is the opening line of Jay McInerney's Bright Lights, Big City: "You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of morning." Think about that line in the context of the novel (assuming you've read it). Now go to your CD collection and find Heart's Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening riff of Barracuda. Which of these two introductions is a higher art form?
10. This is the opening line of Jay McInerney's Bright Lights, Big City: "You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of morning." Think about that line in the context of the novel (assuming you've read it). Now go to your CD collection and find Heart's Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening riff of Barracuda. Which of these two introductions is a higher art form?
my answer: Since I've never read the book or listened to that album, this is a tough one. But I'm gonna go with Jac and say the line in the book, simply because I'm more a fan of words than music, although it's close.
11. You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational, metaphysical sense that somewhere- your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this and your mother has not been ill. Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?
11. You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational, metaphysical sense that somewhere- your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this and your mother has not been ill. Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?
my answer: Um, LEAVE THE THEATER. What kind of awful person would finish watching the movie??
12. You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, I will now make them a dollar more attractive. He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But somehow this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can't deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though you can only pay him once. You can't keep giving him money until you're satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front. How much cash do you give the wizard?
12. You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, I will now make them a dollar more attractive. He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But somehow this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can't deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though you can only pay him once. You can't keep giving him money until you're satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front. How much cash do you give the wizard?
my answer: I don't know. 20 bucks? Twenty times what he did for the random stranger seems like a lot, but 20 bucks isn't too much to part with, so maybe that'll be my amount. Maybe I'll just ask him how much it would cost for a few inches of height....
13. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet and you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen minute speech to the assembly. What do you talk about?
13. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet and you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen minute speech to the assembly. What do you talk about?
my answer: I love this question, it is so funny! I guess I would fill them in a little on what I've been doing, wish them well, and thank both of them for what we shared...
14. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can't talk and they can't write but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves). This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?
14. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can't talk and they can't write but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves). This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?
my answer: That was so not the profound question I was expecting at the end of that intro. The more I think about it, the more I think they would be entertained. I say that because Garfield is supposed to be so much smarter than his intellectually inferior owner, John. And that's probably just how most cats really feel!
15. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation, but the incision will leave you significantly less intelligent, less logical, and with a terrible memory. The surgery is in two weeks. How do you spend the next 14 days?
15. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation, but the incision will leave you significantly less intelligent, less logical, and with a terrible memory. The surgery is in two weeks. How do you spend the next 14 days?
my answer: I would write a lot. I'm not sure what exactly, but definitely a journal at least. I don't know what else I could really do in such little time. I'm tempted to say make a video of myself and perhaps interviews of the people who know me well, but what purpose would that serve? Watching it might just make me feel bad later that I'm not as smart or as wonderful as I used to be.
16. Someone builds an optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (it's essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like it twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal; you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear that for some unknown reason you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed. The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch it?
16. Someone builds an optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (it's essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like it twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal; you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear that for some unknown reason you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed. The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch it?
my answer: I think I'd be too curious not to.
17. You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town you've never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. Be careful of that guy, you are told. He is a man with a past. A few minutes later, a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. Be careful of that guy, too, he says. He is a man with no past. Which of these two people do you trust less?
17. You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town you've never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. Be careful of that guy, you are told. He is a man with a past. A few minutes later, a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. Be careful of that guy, too, he says. He is a man with no past. Which of these two people do you trust less?
my answer: I think it depends on so much more than just the information given here. What sort of past does the first guy have? If its really awful then I trust the second guy, just because the odds are in his favor. But appearance have a lot to do with it too. What if one is well-groomed and wearing a business suit, and the other is dressed in dirty, torn clothes with unkempt hair, gross teeth, and an angry look on his face? Suddenly the having of the past isn't so important is it...
18. You have won a prize. The prize has two options and you can choose either (but not both.) The first option is a year in Europe with a monthly stipend of $2,000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon. Which option do you select?
my answer: Europe, without hesitation. I've never fantasized about being an astronaut.
19. Your best friend is taking on a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you don't kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can't tell them why. Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?
19. Your best friend is taking on a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you don't kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can't tell them why. Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?
my answer: I really dislike this question. I have no idea how I would explain it, but I would do it. I'd probably just end up losing them as a friend and being viewed as some sort of psychopath, but at least they'd be alive. This is weird.
20. For whatever the reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as 'brutally honest and relentlessly fair.' Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it. Which film would you be most interested in seeing?
20. For whatever the reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as 'brutally honest and relentlessly fair.' Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it. Which film would you be most interested in seeing?
my answer: Definitely the documentary.
21. Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything you know now. You will reexperience your entire adolescence with both of the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything you've learned from having lived your life previously. Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)?
21. Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything you know now. You will reexperience your entire adolescence with both of the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything you've learned from having lived your life previously. Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)?
my answer: Same time I guess. Same person? I don't know, maybe.
22. You work in an office. Generally, you are popular with your coworkers. However, you discover that there are currently two rumors circulating in the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first rumor is that you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of your married coworkers. This rumor is completely true, but most people don't believe it. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling debt). This rumor is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes it is factual. Which of these two rumors is most troubling to you?
22. You work in an office. Generally, you are popular with your coworkers. However, you discover that there are currently two rumors circulating in the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first rumor is that you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of your married coworkers. This rumor is completely true, but most people don't believe it. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling debt). This rumor is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes it is factual. Which of these two rumors is most troubling to you?
my answer: Definitely the one about stealing office supplies to cover a gambling debt. Mostly because it's not true, but also because it's really awful and illegal.
23. Consider this possibility: a. Think about deceased TV star John Ritter.b. Now, pretend Ritter had never become famous. Pretend he was never affected by the trappings of fame, and try to imagine what his personality would have been like.c. Now, imagine that this person, the unfamous John Ritter- is a character in a situation comedy.d. Now, you are also a character in this sitcom, and the unfamous John Ritter character is your sitcom father.e. However, this sitcom is actually your real life. In other words, you are living inside a sitcom. Everything about your life is a construction, featuring the unfamous John Ritter playing himself (in the role of your father). But this is not a sitcom. This is your real life. How would you feel about this?
23. Consider this possibility: a. Think about deceased TV star John Ritter.b. Now, pretend Ritter had never become famous. Pretend he was never affected by the trappings of fame, and try to imagine what his personality would have been like.c. Now, imagine that this person, the unfamous John Ritter- is a character in a situation comedy.d. Now, you are also a character in this sitcom, and the unfamous John Ritter character is your sitcom father.e. However, this sitcom is actually your real life. In other words, you are living inside a sitcom. Everything about your life is a construction, featuring the unfamous John Ritter playing himself (in the role of your father). But this is not a sitcom. This is your real life. How would you feel about this?
5 comments:
1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence. Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?
Yes, of course, yes. His tricks are simple and of no value to humanity, but the fact that he does them proves the existence of magic. What is E=mc2 in comparison?
2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that for some reason every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots. Would you attempt to do this?
No way. Would you rather be in jail or kicked to death?
That's all for now!
Aren't they fun?? See, these are the kinds of questions we should be asking while we're waiting for our food in restaurants! I'll expect you to have several of these ready the next time we go out to eat...
dude i love klosterman.
our answers are so similar!
THIS WAS TOO FUNNY. Here are some of my answers.
1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence. Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein? my answer: Yes, he would be more impressive. But only for a short time span. After a while people would want to know how this works and that would get a lot of attention.
2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that for some reason every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots. Would you attempt to do this? my answer: I would cry. I wouldn't be able to do this.
3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical. Which option do you select? my answer: I'll display the skull and take the money. Not many people could say they have Hitler's skull in their home. I would use it as an ashtray.
4. Genetic engineers at John Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so called "super gorilla." Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an IQ of almost 85, and -most notably- a vague sense of self awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays.) Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent. You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?
my answer: No. How would we pay this gorilla? With bananas? That would not be fair when other players make millions.
5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear--for the rest of your life--sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like the deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you.) Would you swallow the pill? my answer: Oh my god, I was laughing so hard. Honestly. My lover will have to have his collarbones broken. There is no way in hell every song I hear will sound like Alice in Chains. I'm all set with that and I would rather be single than hear Alice in Chains all the time. Also funny that Radiohead was mentioned in this question.
6. At long last, someone invents 'the dream VCR.' This machine allows you to tape an entire evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device if you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR. Would you still do this? my answer: Of course I would let this happen. I have been wanting to see the movies of my dreams since forever.
Trinh you are too funny. I am in the library and I was trying really hard not to laugh when you said, "Honestly, my lover will have to have his collar bones broken. I cannot listen to Alice in Chains forever." Hahahaha!
I wish I could memorize these questions so I could ask people them all the time.
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